Late Night Holiday Thoughts

There’s a feeling that comes up for a lot of people around Christmas sometimes it’s guilt, and sometimes it’s real panic.

I know that panic well. I’ve spent much of my life in scarcity and survival mode. For years, Christmas meant stress and uncertainty, and more often than not, gifts only happened because someone helped me. That kind of experience and pain doesn’t disappear just because circumstances change.

This year is different. Not perfect, not unlimited but different. I have more stability than I ever have before. I wasn’t scrambling or bracing for impact. I’m supported and aligned in a way that made Christmas possible, and I’m deeply grateful for that.

And still, the pressure shows up.

The thought that maybe I should do more.

That maybe I should stretch myself financially, just to have more under bulk under the tree. It lead to me feeling bad for a moment, that the house and the tree weren’t Pinterest worthy.

The truth is, nothing is actually missing. There are gifts under the tree. There’s heat, food, and a sense of safety that hasn’t always been there. But when you’ve lived through real scarcity, your nervous system doesn’t always catch up to the present moment.

I think its a collective feeling. I think the average person is also stressed, struggling or feeling like they should’ve done more right now. Whether it stems from painful memories, comparison, and cultural pressure that ties love to excess. Even when things are “enough,” it can still feel fragile.

This Christmas, my current home isn’t what I’d imagine for the future, and the trees aren’t something I’d post. But I am grateful.. this year is a big step up from last year and I know each day I’m getting better.